Consent is an agreement that each person makes if they want to engage in sexual activity. Consent needs to be addressed with clear, open, and honest communication.  Jaclyn Friedman, co-editor of Yes Means Yes (2008), explains it this way: "Sexual consent isn't like a light switch, which can be either "on," or "off." It's not like there's this one thing called "sex" you can consent to anyhow. "Sex" is an evolving series of actions and interactions. You have to have the… consent of your partner[s] for all of them. And even if you have your partner's consent for a particular activity, you have to be prepared for it to change.”

Essential Points About Consent 

• Each person needs to be equally free to act.

  The decision to be sexually intimate must be without coercion, which includes a consideration of the power dynamics at play within sexual and interpersonal interactions.  These power dynamics can be influenced by the unique combination of experiences of oppression of each person in the interaction, along with interpersonal dynamics such as patterns of coercion and abuse.  Each person must have the option to choose how to interact physically. Each person should be free to change a "yes" to a "no" at any time. Many factors such as age, gender, race, body size, previous victimization, threats to "out" someone, level of experience and other fears can prevent an individual from freely consenting or could be used to manipulate someone into a “yes.”

• Each person needs to be fully conscious and aware.

  The use of alcohol or other substances can interfere with someone's ability to make clear decisions about the level of intimacy they are comfortable with. The more intoxicated a person is, the less they are able to give conscious consent.

  The Brown policy specifically references “incapacitation” and states  that someone who is “mentally and/or physically helpless, asleep, unconscious or unaware that sexual activity is occurring” is not able to give conscious consent.

• Each person clearly communicates their willingness and permission.

  According to the Brown policy, “consent requires an outward demonstration, through mutually understandable words or actions.”  Willingness and permission must be communicated clearly and unambiguously. Just because a person fails to resist sexual advances does not mean that they are willing. Consent is not the absence of the word “no.”

• Each person is positive and sincere about their desires.

  It is important to be honest in communicating feelings about consent. If one person states their desires, the other person can make informed decisions about the encounter. It may be useful before engaging in sexual activity with another person, to take time to determine your own needs, desires and boundaries with regard to your sexuality.  A tool, like the Sexual Inventory Stocklist, can be a helpful guide in deciding what types of physical, sexual, and/or emotional activity you would like to engage in when considering sexuality and relationships. It is also important to consider one’s own values in regards to sex and sexuality, and decide whether you would like to engage sexually with someone who shares, some of (if not all of) those values.  

(Adapted from Berkowitz, Alan. "Guidelines for Consent in Intimate Relationships," Campus Safety & Student Development, Vol. 3, No. 4, March/April 2002.)

Consent is important because:

• Communication, respect, and honesty are fundamental to great sex and relationships.

• Ensuring consent shows that you have respect for both yourself and your partner.

• Positive views on sex and sexuality are empowering for all.

• It helps eliminate the entitlement that one partner may feel over the other. Neither your body nor your sexuality belongs to someone else.

• It is normal and healthy for all partners to expect to be included in the consent process.

• Non-consensual sex is against the law. Without knowing if you have consent, you may be committing sexual assault.

Show your partner that you respect them enough to ask about their sexual needs and desires. If you are not accustomed to communicating with your partner about sex and sexual activity, the first few times may feel awkward. But, practice helps. The more times you have these conversations with your partner(s), the more comfortable you will become communicating about sex and sexual activity. Conversations about consent will build trust and respect for one another.

Before you have sex, ask yourself...

• Have I expressed what I want? 

• Do I know what my partner wants? 

• How certain am I that consent has been given? 

• Is my potential partner sober enough to decide whether or not to have sex? 

• Am I sober enough to know that I've correctly gauged consent?

When

Before you act. It is the responsibility of the person initiating a sexual act to obtain clear consent. Whenever you are unsure if consent has been given, ask. Check-in with your partner about how they’re doing throughout sexual contact. Giving consent ahead of time does not waive a person's right to change their mind or say no later.

How

Consent is not just about getting a yes or no answer, but about understanding what a partner is feeling. Ask open-ended questions. Listen to and respect your partner's response, whether you hear yes or no: "I'd really like to . . . how does that sound?" "How does this feel?" "What would you like to do?"

Good Ways to Ask for Consent

• May I [do whatever sexual thing]?

• I’d like to [do whatever sexual thing]: would you like to? If not, what would you like to do?

• How do you feel about doing [whatever sexual thing]?

• Are there things you know you don’t want to do: what are they? Mine are [whatever they are].

• Is there anything you need to feel comfortable or safe when we do [whatever sexual thing]?

• I'm really interested in doing [whatever sexual thing] with you, and it feels like the right time for me: do you want to do that and does the timing feel right to you?

• I'd like to have sex tonight, would you? What do you want to do or try?

Questions to Use to Check-In During Sexual Activity*

• How does this feel?

• Are you still liking this? Are you comfortable?

• Is there anything you need or want right now?

• You seem quiet: are you okay?

• Anything I should stop doing or do that I’m not doing?

• I feel good: are you feeling good?

*from Scarleteen.com Driver’s Ed for the Sexual Super Highway: Navigating Consent by Heather Corinna.

When gauging consent, context and power dynamics must be taken into account. There are many circumstances, for example, in which power dynamics might dictate that someone “laugh and smile” while internally feeling deeply discomforted by another’s sexual advances. For this reason, it is important to educate yourself about power, privilege and oppression and how those dynamics impact interpersonal interactions. Remember that if you are initiating sexual activity and are unsure if a partner is consenting freely, ask-- and then be ready to stop, no questions asked, if they say “no” or seem unsure. The following is a non-exhaustive list of signs to be aware of when gauging consent in a sexual situation:

Signs You Should Stop

• Your partner is too intoxicated to give consent (some potential signs include physical passivity, slurred speech, problems with balance and impaired motor skills).
• You are too intoxicated to gauge consent.
• Your partner is asleep.
• Your partner is unconscious or for any other reason is physically or mentally unable to communicate consent.
• You are using physical force or size to have sex.
• You hope your partner will say nothing and go with the flow.
• You don't think they would agree to have sex if they were sober.
• You have had sex before but they have said they're not interested tonight.
• You have coerced your partner in any way (asking repeatedly, putting pressure on your partner, physically intimidating them, etc.).
• You intend to have sex by any means necessary.
• Your partner used a safe word/action to indicate they want to stop.

Signs You Should Stop and Talk

• You are not sure what the other person wants.
• You feel like you are getting mixed signals.
• You have not talked about what you want to do.
• You assume that you will do the same thing as before.
• Your partner stops or is not really responding.
• You are unsure if your partner has been drinking and/or using substances.
• You are only focused on your own needs and desires in the moment, not theirs.

Keep Communicating

• Partners come to a mutual decision about how far to go.
• Partners clearly express their comfort with the situation.
• Everyone feels comfortable and safe stopping at any time.
• You are able to move on graciously when you get a no or your partner uses a safeword or action.
• Partners are excited.

Sources

Adapted from American College Health Association, Shifting the Paradigm: Primary Prevention of Sexual Violence Toolkit.

The Brown policy includes both words and actions in considerations of whether consent is obtained. The website Scarleteen.com, a sexuality education resource for teens and emerging adults, emphasizes that verbal consent is the preferred method of communication between sexual partners, especially if they do not know each other well or are consuming substances.

Visit Scarleteen: Navigating Consent

If you are feeling unsure or confused about an experience you've had or are not sure if your partner respected your boundaries, you can speak with someone. Brown students can contact the SHARE Advocates in BWell by clicking the “make an appointment” button or by calling 401.863-2794 for confidential support. There are also additional resources on and off campus to support you.

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